My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Houston, we have a squirter
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
