I'm going to jail i love you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize