I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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