It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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