honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
