Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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