Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
