Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
