I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
