During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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