the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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