Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
