I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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