This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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