I think I died a long time ago.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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