it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
