I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
