never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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