When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
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