cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I queefed so loud it echoed.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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