I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
