she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
