Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
