need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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