So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
