He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
