just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
