The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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