My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
