70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
