Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
