dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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