nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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