I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
