I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Holy shit dude........stairs
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
