My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
