the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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