chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My feet surprised me
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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