I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
