i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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