There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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