I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
