so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My penis needs a shock collar
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
