its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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