My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
