last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
