I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
whose ass print is on the piano?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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