my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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