Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
