Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
