How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
