i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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