from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
