The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
