I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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