...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
