I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
where are my pants?
in the oven.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
