A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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