Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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