i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just googled if crying burns calories
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
